One of the dynamics of things that don’t work is that they often surprise us.  While intellectually we realize that there will be times when things do work and when things don’t work, we nonetheless get “surprised” (and upset) too often when things don’t work, due to an expectation (and hope) that things will always work out well.

One aspect of life that drains energy from us occurs when conflict arises.  We interact with others as if everything is fine, and then, apparently out of the blue, we find ourselves in a conflict situation.  This increases our stress levels, and decreases our effectiveness.  We lose our edge and find ourselves struggling, at the very time when we need all our wits about us.

What is it about conflict anyway? 

Unfortunately, we are surprised because we either don’t realize or we ignore the following fact:

Every human interaction has the potential for conflict or already is a conflict.

 A Definition

The dictionary defines conflict as: The real or perceived polarization of needs, values, desires or perceptions causing stress or tension in a given relationship.

Our “real life” definition is: Perceived disagreement that causes stress.  While conflict arises in both work and non-work situations, we will focus our energy on conflict at work.

The Price of Ignoring Conflict

There are many negative ramifications of ignoring conflict.  These include:

• Increased resentment
• Escalation of conflict (intensity) as it often gets worse
• Involvement of other people and material goods (for instance – office politics)
• Lays the groundwork for future or branching conflicts (i.e. office politics continue or fester)
• Isolates and intimidates outsiders – the job feels harder when you feel a low-level tension

Positive Results of Resolving Conflict

By resolving conflicts early there are many beneficial results.  These include:

•  Addresses and solves concerns
• It makes it more fun to go to work each day
• Allows more serious (escalated) conflicts to be avoided
• Far more harmonious environment at the office – job satisfaction rises dramatically
• Fosters interest and curiosity in issues
• Increases team ability and performance
• Provides ideas and creative solutions to problems
• Has people working together

Yet We Don’t Do It!

Approaches to Conflict Resolution

If we look at conflict resolution from a “traditional” perspective, there are a number of approaches used to resolve conflict.  Each of these approaches deals with a different level of Assertiveness and of Cooperation.

Force or Coercion – There are times when this strategy is useful and necessary.  These include cops and robbers, the military and when someone’s safety is involved (saving an individual from physical danger by commanding him to heed a command), to name a few.  This is used when the task involved is more important than the relationship.

Accommodating – This is used when the relationship is more important than the task.  Where to go for dinner, which movie to watch or where to go for a walk with a loved one are all examples where accommodation may well be the preferred approach.  It is the relationship and the company that count.  The choice of the content of the visit may seem far less important, and as a result, accommodating may be very easy.

Parents use accommodation for insignificant “battles” with children.  “Pick your battles” is a very common (and wise) expression.

Avoiding – Conflicts to avoid are ones where there is no win available, such as when you are “invited” into someone else’s conflict and it is not your fight.  Chronic avoidance might lead to denial, a potentially destructive approach.

Compromising – Partially assertive and partially cooperative, compromise is often used as an approach to conflict resolution.  One of the unfortunate elements of compromise is that everybody feels like s/he has lost something.  The consolation prize is that the other party has lost as well.  The difficulty is that arrangements that include individual and collective feelings of loss do not enhance relationships, but rather detract from them.  As a result, this is one strategy that you may want to avoid at (almost) all costs.

Collaboration – When both parties are high in assertiveness and high in cooperation, then the approach is more integrative.  This is about increasing the pie, not dividing it up.  Synergistic solutions occur with this approach.

While collaboration appears to be the most favorable conflict resolution approach, it is not always appropriate to use in conflict situations, even between parties where the relationship is strong.  It often takes more time, time that people may not have in a given situation.

What is your “natural” conflict resolution style?  Where do you tend to go when things get difficult? 

By increasing your awareness of the different approaches to resolving conflict, and the better you understand your own preferences and tendencies, the more access you have to choosing the most effective strategy to resolving conflicts, as you gain and keep more customers at a profit and grow your business consistent with your goals and commitments in life.