The “Identity” Conversation

This is the most subtle and the most challenging conversation within difficult conversations. It has us look inwards. How does what happened affect your self-esteem, your self-image, your sense of who you are in the world? What impact will it have on your future? What is at stake beyond the substance of the conversation? These are all elements of the “identity” conversation.

Suddenly, who you thought you were when you started the conversation is called into question. This is known as an Identity Quake. There is no quick fix to this. This is what growing in life is all about.

There are three core identities:

1. Am I competent?
2. Am I a good person?
3. Am I worthy of love?

The All or Nothing Syndrome

• I am either Competent or Incompetent
• I am either Good or Bad
• I am either Worthy of love or Not

People might slip into the trap of denial about this. If you think you are super competent, then negative feedback poses a problem. Therefore, you deny the feedback.

The bigger the gap between what you hope and what you fear is true, the easier it is for you to define and lock down who you are and avoid feedback that might indicate the contrary.

Exaggeration is the other trap. You take denial and reverse it. “Oh my Gosh! Maybe I AM that bad!”

Grounding Your Identity

Personal growth is largely about grounding your identity throughout your life. You learn more and more about who you are. The more aware you each are of your identity issues, the better able you are to cope with them when they arise.

Becoming comfortable with being a complex being, makes space so you can deal with the seeming inconsistencies that appear between what you fear and what you hope. To do this, develop the “and” stance.

The “Identity” Summary

• Recognize your own self perception, level of self-esteem, and who you are
• Observe how it affects how you react or how others react to you

The Learning Conversation

Often you start a conversation by wanting to deliver a message. A more flexible choice is to start by understanding what has happened from the other person’s perspective.

Explain your point of view. Share and understand feelings. Work together to figure out a way to manage the problem going forward, from today onwards.

Resolving conflicts is empowering. It is not about winning and losing. It requires practice and constant development. It takes patience and perseverance. It requires an understanding of yourself and others. It incorporates active listening and assertiveness.

Resolving conflicts strengthens relationships through cooperation, coordination and understanding. It promotes flexibility and adaptability to various situations. It develops essential communication skills. Finally, it produces positive, productive and proactive results.

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